I embarked on a journey through a decade of memories in search of the photo featured in the post, Wings Do Not a Faerie Make. It served as a reminder of my truly adventurous awakening. Across mystical lands both distant and vast, I traversed realms of space and time, forming bonds with humans and fantastical creatures alike. I’ve charmed demons, danced in the court of the Goblin King, shared drinks with pirates, sang haunting melodies with necromantic gypsies (Gallows Humor, a band that proudly identifies as "gypsy"), rode upon the back of a mighty 8ft unicorn, experienced the depths of love and heartbreak, and indulged in countless escapades.
Each memory is woven into the tapestry of my journey. I acquired a wealth of perspective while delving into the magical chronicles of my time as Lady Dizzy Dazilly. It has been both wondrous and expansive, with equal measures of tumultuous challenges. Tracing the breadcrumbs back showed me the many crossroads along my path that brought me to this very moment.
The enchanted English village, which I first set foot in over a decade ago, marked a pivotal juncture. The moment was so monumental that it has become the crux from which every magical twist and turn of my life has unfurled since.
Fashion - My First Awakening
Fantasy and fashion have been enduring flames of passion, intricately woven into the fabric of my existence since youth. They dance through every aspect of my being, casting a magical hue over the canvas of my experiences. It should come as no surprise that these themes significantly influence myriad facets of my life. Whether it be in the realms of entertainment, creative pursuits, education, career, hobbies, social circles, dining experiences, aesthetics, leisure and recreation, even supporting my healing and self-discovery.
As a youngling, I discovered alternative fashion by way of edgy subcultures and the introduction of our local Hot Topic. This marked a significant awakening, transforming my aesthetic from the vibrant hues of Lisa Frank to the alluring darkness of Lip Service seemingly overnight.
Within the captivating genres of punk, goth, and rock, I explored my own distinctive style. While my parents perceived it as rebellion, I viewed it as an elevation to the art of playing dress up, now painted in darker color palettes and studded accessories. Occasionally, I would frolic to the other end of the spectrum, embodying a walking rainbow. However, these interludes were ephemeral and have since ceased all together. When I first heeded the call and embraced the mantle of a baby bat at 12, I felt a massive expansion of my expression.
The darkness becomes me.
I have often declared this as a statement to how well my personal aesthetic and style suits me. Over a decade has passed since the capture of the aforementioned photograph, and once again I find myself delightfully immersed in darker fashions. With intentionality, I’ve curated wardrobes that have served as steadfast companions to each unfolding chapter of my many evolutions.
Seeking Women of Power
In the winter of 2022, I acquired delicate black horns and a set of silver and gold halos for a special event. The juxtaposition of the black horns set against the metallic semicircle of the halo tickled me. I do so love to play with dichotomies. Since that moment, the halo has become an adornment of my daily attire, occasionally accompanied by the striking presence of the horns, creating a dark elegance in my everyday expressions.
In the spring of the previous year, I found myself in the company of my (now former) partner when a curious woman inquired about the significance of the halo. Never having assigned any profound meaning to the accessory until that moment, my instinctive answer was this: "I'm channeling my Goddess energy."
Surprising even myself with those words, I felt a kind of truth in them. That time of my life was wrought with battles in the murky swamps of sexual trauma and feelings of unworthiness that fueled cycles of subservient roles in my relationships - including the one I was in at the time. Facing these limited aspects of myself, I sought inspiration from women I admired. I explored the qualities of these feminine figures to set the direction of my intended growth. Instead of selecting a person to emulate, I chose the archetype of The Empress. In tarot, the Empress represents the Earth Mother, the goddess and divine feminine personified. She is a creator and nurturer of life and ideas. I felt she embodied the maturity, confidence, and power I aspired to.
Divine Guidance
Faeries are the living embodiment of magic. Awakening as a fae has led me on a spiritual path of deep transformation and empowerment. The understanding of who I am and the self creation of all that I aim to become and accomplish in this life. The magic of creation is manifested through the combination of pure intention and the power of will.
Reclaiming my magic has become an odyssey of seeking knowledge and ritual — a sacred quest for wholeness and interconnectedness with the flow of all things. Spiritual pilgrimage demands the cultivation of immense faith, a steadfast belief in the unseen forces that guide and shape this magical universe. Throughout this mystical journey, resources have manifested in the most extraordinary and synchronous forms.
And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it. - Roald Dahl
It's as though the universe whispers in symbols and signs, a divine orchestration that beckons us to see beyond the surface of reality. Faith becomes a trusting surrender to the mysterious currents of life, guided by the belief that every meaningful coincidence is a step on the path of our spiritual journey.
Tarot became a guiding force after an encounter with The Pink Haired Fool during an Abraham Hicks workshop early in 2023. Shortly thereafter, fate led me to acquire my own deck, the Dark Wood Tarot, after it mysteriously appeared on one of my social feeds. What caught my eye was the exquisite artistry of Abigail Larson, an artist I’ve admired for some time.
More recently, while meandering into a local metaphysical shop, I felt an irresistible pull toward The Heroine's Journey Oracle cards. To my surprise, they were shelved beside the Dark Wood Tarot. After several more signs from the universe in the form of numbers, words, and curious interactions with people, I purchased the oracle cards.
Both are shadow decks and feature female-centric archetypes. The artwork of both is macabre, The Dark Wood an elegant Gothic Victorian-esque while The Heroine’s Journey has a gritty dark-horror quality. The Dark Wood Tarot appeared to me when I directed my shadow work towards healing from sexual trauma, as well as addressing other negative and limiting beliefs tied to personal experiences in womanhood.
Much like The Fool, I had taken a leap of faith when I left everything I knew and once was to create all I could possibly be. The Fool’s journey encompasses 3 stages through the 22 archetypes of the Major Arcana: personal, the world, the universe. This journey is about understanding who you are, what you stand for, and your place in the universe.
As 2023 came to a close, my Fool’s Journey through the Dark Wood ended and a new path to reconcile with my inner child began. Serendipitously, The Heroine's Journey Oracle emerged as a beacon, its focus aligning perfectly with the healing of core wounds - many of which were feminine focused.
The Heroine’s Journey
In a side quest to uncover the origins of The Heroine's Journey Oracle cards, the trail led me to Maureen Murdock, a Jungian-oriented psychotherapist renowned for her book, The Heroine’s Journey: Woman’s Quest for Wholeness. Murdock's model offers a unique perspective of a woman's psycho-spiritual journey inward, accentuating the heroine's profound connection with her inner self and the reclamation of her femininity.
The stages of The Heroine's Journey include self-discovery, confronting the shadows within, and ultimately achieving a harmonious integration of both masculine and feminine qualities. Murdock's paradigm provides a transformative lens through which modern women navigate the intricate landscape of personal growth and self-realization. Learning this brought a greater understanding to the inner work I had blindly been chipping away at, though, more importantly gave me a blueprint to support me along the way.
The first part of the heroine’s journey is propelled by the mind and the second part is in response to the heart... At this point, the heroine is faced with a Descent or dark night of the soul, a time of major de-structuring and dismemberment. A descent brings sadness, grief, a feeling of being unfocused and undirected. The descent may take weeks, months, years, and cannot be rushed because the heroine is reclaiming not only parts of herself, but also the lost soul of the culture....parts that have been ignored, devalued, and repressed, words and feelings swallowed in her quest for success.- Maureen Murdock
In Murdock's model, the sixth stage is aptly named Initiation and Descent to the Goddess. This pivotal phase signifies a symbolic journey into the realm of the Goddess or the divine feminine, symbolizing the integration of feminine wisdom, nurturing, and empowerment. Here, the heroine boldly confronts her Shadow, engaging in a transformative process where she sheds old beliefs and societal expectations, embracing the radiant authenticity of her true self. She is reborn, armed with a newfound understanding of her inner strength and a heightened awareness of the interconnectedness of her personal journey with the universal flow of feminine energy.
More often than not, I felt adrift in a kind of purgatory this past year doing battle with my Shadows. It's no wonder that this liminal space, steeped in introspection and profound healing, fosters a sense of confusion and seeming inertia. This time stands as the lengthiest period of solitude and transformation I have ever navigated.
The decision to depart from my role as a fashion designer and channel all my energies solely into the realms of healing and self-awareness marked a drastic shift in my life's trajectory. It has plunged me into a journey of inner growth that has all but stopped outward signs of development and material success.
For She Who Is Becoming
Navigating the Descent into my darkness, I unearthed a well of rage that had long been concealed beneath the heavy quilt of sadness throughout most of my life. When I first encountered this burning anger, my natural instinct was to swiftly process and release it. I held the belief that harboring such intense anger wasn't considered "spiritual." Paradoxically, the more intensely I worked to expel this anger, the more profound the toll it took on me—physically and emotionally.
Determined to unearth its root, I followed it down deep until I noticed a growing inclination to be confrontational. This wasn't the channel I desired for such potent energy. Instead, I redirected this force into the art of dance. Through the rhythmic cadence of movement, I unraveled something truly fascinating.
Months ago, I altered my clothing to accommodate dancing with partners after several complaints about my attire “getting in the way.” It dawned on me that this adjustment was a form of people-pleasing. I grounded myself in why I dance. I dance for myself — to create myself, to express myself, to feel the rhythm of my own being, to heal, and to find my ecstasy.
Though I didn’t realize it at the time, this transformative shift began with a ritual on New Year's Eve. Harnessing the energy of the approaching new year and a new moon, I invoked the goddess of the moon and all divine feminine energies, seeking their support in my transition. A prayer flowed from my heart:
I lay to rest the versions of women and girls I once was.
Though they served me well, their time has gracefully passed.
I dance in joyous celebration of their transition, embracing the metamorphosis of She who emerges within me.
I adorned myself in a flowy dress with a bodice embroidered with snakes to symbolize shedding of all I was before. I crowned my head with both horns and halo, marked my visage with magical runes in black ink, and dusted my skin in shimmering flecks of starlight. This has become my consistent attire since then.
I am embracing my expression and nurturing intentions for personal growth. I am granting myself the permission to show up as I please and occupy the space I desire and am worthy of. I refrain from making myself less to cater to anyone else's preferences. This marks a shift, transitioning from a focus on healing to one of empowerment.
Some familiar dance companions have hesitated, reluctant or unable to adapt to the additional embellishments. In their wake I've forged fresh connections that not only brimmed with enthusiasm but also resonated more harmoniously with the fiery energy burgeoning within me. In these newfound connections, our dances became physically closer, and an added layer of sensuality infused the movements. Extended eye contact became a shared language, sustaining its intensity for longer periods. The co-created energy retained its playful essence, yet an unmistakable edge of power play added depth to the dance.
Before this, I intentionally steered clear of dancing in a more sensual manner, especially within the container of ecstatic dance and particularly when dancing with men. The exploration of my sensuality on the dance floor was something I felt was not acceptable within that space nor did I feel ready to do so. That anger fueled a determination to reclaim ownership of my body. It began with dressing for my own pleasure, followed by sensual movements, gradually evolving into an energy of confidence and self-love.
I drew to me masculine containers for this newfound sensual energy, Men who embodied a balanced and comfortable presence in their masculine energy. They were willing and able to hold space for the fuller expression of my femininity in a safe, respectful, and consensual manner, confined to the container of that singular dance. Here, I could flirt through body language without the looming fear of expectations or unwanted attention beyond the shared moment. I felt the joy of pleasure in my body, to be held, lifted, and spun. I felt seen, beautiful, and sexy. There was a balance my partners and I co-created within the intensity of physical desire and light playfulness of a magical moment shared.
Something within me had broken free, as if a heavy chain had finally fallen away.I had uncovered the Shadows of shame, rejection, abuse, chastity and other facets intertwined with my sexuality and sensuality. This extended far beyond the physical, delving into the intricate realms of mental, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. It began to unravel the ways in which I had accepted limitations imposed upon me as a woman, both by external influences and my own self-perception.
Initially, reconciling what felt like conflicting emotions—rage, nurturing, creation, sexuality, desire, self-love, sadness, loss—was a challenge. I endeavored to release the “darker” and “negative” emotions within me, to heal them with love and acceptance, and bring them back into the light. A longing to be what I deemed as "good" emerged. Ideals impressed upon me from various cultural conditioning.
In the ensuing weeks, as I contemplated this perplexity, I was reminded of powerful goddesses—Hecate, Kali, Morrigan, and Persephone. Delving into their stories, I unraveled the essence of these “dark” goddesses and came upon the concept of the Dark Feminine.
The Dark Feminine...is liberation, rage, pleasure, and intuition. She is fierce grace, wild liberation, and the sword of truth. She shakes the cage of "good girl" conditioning to unleash the full spectrum expression of woman...The Creatrix and the Destroyer. She is Shamaness, the Wild Woman, and the Crone. - Lydia Rose Smyth
The darkness becomes me in mind, body, and spirit. The Dark Feminine suits me well. I am learning to integrate my fire and nurturing, my sweetness and sharpness, womanhood and youthfulness. In my darkness I’ve unearthed fragments of myself that rightfully belong to the intricate mosaic of all that I am and all that I am becoming. In that very darkness, I unearthed a deeper reservoir of power—my power. In my darkness I am finding the source of my divinity and it is of the light and the dark.
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